Hey, BESTIE: I just found out my husband was on Tinder. Needless to say, I was devastated. He claims not to have cheated, but feels that way. He said he just downloaded the app to have some fun and watch, but I don’t think I can get past that. What should I do?
Most people do not enter into a relationship expecting their second wife to look for another partner elsewhere.
In this case, your spouse uses an online dating app to look for what else may be available. . .even if he hasn’t physically met anyone from the app yet – this may be the reason he mentioned that he “didn’t cheat”.
Your definition of cheating can be very different from your partner’s definition, and it would be ideal to clarify what those definitions are.
You need to be clear – for example, black and white, not shades of gray – with whether online flirting, searching, etc. are considered. deception and a forbidden zone for relationships.
If so, let your partner know.
It sounds ridiculous that I even have to mention this, but I have clients who regularly explain that if they are not physically or sexually related to someone else, then it is not considered cheating.
Only you can determine this for yourself and your own relationships.
The next approach would be to talk to each other. Take some time, sit down and make sure you are not distracted. Take time to truly talk and listen to each other.
Some of the questions you can ask are:
· Do you still want to be in a relationship?
· If so, what would our relationship look like in the future?
· What was the purpose of joining and viewing Tinder?
· What is your definition of deception?
After you have had a conversation. Then you need to find the best result for yourself and the relationship.
People usually turn in search of another partner when things are not very good in the relationship. If you haven’t talked to a professional yet, this may be a good time to do so.
Note: if this sounds like your relationship, start talking to each other!
· There is a distance between the two of you – mental or physical – it is important for both of you to pay attention.
· Your partner becomes secretive – especially regarding the use of their digital technology
· In a relationship less intimacy and touching than usual
· Your partner finds excuses not to spend time with you
If in doubt, contact and talk to someone – having a non-judgmental detail may be just what you need to figure out what to do next.
After all, everyone deserves to be in a relationship where you are the number one choice and the only one for your partner.
Amanda Lambros is a sexologist and relationship trainer with nearly two decades of experience who is proud of her approach to solving your “no bs” problems. She is also a certified speech specialist and has written several books on relationships, health and business that have sold over 150,000 copies.
Do you have a question for Amanda? Email firstname.lastname@example.org (don’t worry, we won’t publish your name!)